Strong

Me:  I feel like I'm weak.

Therapist:  Why?  Doing what's best for your family makes you strong.

Thankfully Therapist had an opening yesterday and I could go in and be angry and hash through everything that happened (or didn't happen as the case is) over the past week and a half.  The last failed match I was angry that D dragged us through her chaos all the while insisting that she knew this was what she needed/wanted and it's what she wanted for Baby A.  I was angry that she didn't own up to wanting to parent before we took him home from the hospital.  Logically, I know that it may have taken her trying to make the break before she realized she was making a huge mistake, but the emotions that I went through were anything but logical.   I'm angry again, but I'm angry at a different person in a totally different situation.  I'm angry that Baby N may end up in the foster system because of this person's actions (or inaction as the case is at the moment).  And I say shame on you to the person who has not made any kind of progress towards claiming their right to parent.  Shame on you for not being there for your child.  Shame on you for not being supportive the months you knew about the situation, and shame on you for not picking up the fucking phone to find out what's going on and what you need to do. 

It's hard to own up to this anger as an adoptive parent.  We are supposed to say and do the right things, think child-centric, be compassionate to the parents, and sometimes to let ourselves get hurt during the process.  Because we do get hurt during the process.  As I face another failed match, I've been thinking about the anti- people.  The people who would gleefully read my posts about heartache over someone else's baby.  The people who would gladly target me (and who have) as a baby-stealer.  The people who would ask me why I don't adopt from foster care because those are the children who need it.  That's the one that hurts the most.  Why don't I look into foster?  Why can't I do that?

I. Just. Can't.  I am not wired to live my life constantly in limbo.  When I'm in limbo physically or emotionally, my life falls apart.  Stress takes over and it's all I can do to keep moving forward one day at a time.  Everything suffers from my concentration at work to patience in dealing with people close to me.  When I'm in limbo I live in a constant state of when will it happen, how will it happen, what will happen?  It sucks and I can't do it.  I would love to be the type of person who can do it.  Who is ready at any moment to pick up a child, and care for them until some sort of resolution comes along.  We could have moved ahead with a formal placement with Baby N knowing that he may be leaving our home at any time.  If it goes to the county, the county may remove him because we are not foster parents as we haven't gone through the training.  The county could leave him in our home, and then we could wait out the lengthy process of whose rights get terminated, or not.  At the end of the process, Baby N may stay in our home, or not.  The point is, we don't know what will happen.  We would be signing ourselves up for months or years of limbo.

Is that fair to Baby X?  No.  I need to be there for Baby X.  He doesn't need his parents to be distracted by the what-ifs of this case.  He needs us, present and aware and not emotional heaps of nerves. We need to be there for each other, and we need to recognize what we are capable of and where our boundaries are.  Boundaries make us strong, and knowing when to walk away makes us strong.

I recognize what I can and can not handle.  I am strong.  I gave Baby N more emotional support over a week and half than anyone had given him in the first few weeks of his life.  All I can hope, is that it helped him.  All I can hope is that my hurt is not for nothing.

And the anti-people can kiss my ass.